2 in 1

Here I am again.
In CGE, working and bloggin all at the same time. The amount of tasks humans can juggle all at once and the amount of thoughts that stream through one's head are uncomprehensible.
Anyone who says that they never talk to themselves are lying. The truth is we're always thinking/talking to ourselves. We get use to habits and condition our thoughts into the same daily routines, but that doesn't mean our brains stop thinking for and to themselves.

Anyhow, my thoughts for today: Truth and honesty.
The best interaction that happens between two individuals is when both are completely honest and transparent to each other. No hiding, no running way, no pulling away. When you're being honest and truthful to your neighbor, you are also being honest and truthful to yourself. It goes vice versa as well. Being honest--speaking nothing but truth to yourself can only increase your sincerity and honesty to your neighbor. That's 2 in 1!
Fellow stalkers, there's a reason why there are so many of us on this planet.

Common sense, but how common does this happen?

Sometimes, we are so consentrated on doing that we forget to think.
Other times, we are so consentrated in thinking that we forget to pull our asses up and put our hands to work!

Heartily,
Cabbage Wabbage

Life Games

Sometimes, I wish people will start taking each other seriously.
Human emotions are not toys--they are not objects.
You should never never play around with them.

I keep making the same mistakes.
The game of life: Let's run in circles! YAY!

Can we all look at each other from a deeper level?

If you were to strip off your outter skin, what would there be left of you?
If you were a color, which would you be? Would you even have a color?

Pavarotti was once so great. Now that he's gone, how long will people keep recognizing his existence?


Cabbage Wabbage

Was it a Dream?

Was it a dream that once, in a wonderful time,
I was your heart's true love?
I remember it as a song fallen silent,
of which the strains still echo.

I remember a rose you tossed,
a glance so shy and tender;
I remember a sparkling tear when we parted.
Was it all, all a dream?

A dream as brief as the life of a cowslip
in a green meadow in springtime,
whose beauty soon withers away
before a crowd of new flowers.

But many a night I hear a voice
through the flood of my bitter tears:
hide this memory deep in your heart,
it was your best dream!

                             -Wecksell

Watch Me Leap

I'm a Junior in College. I'm 20 year-old.
It's finally sunk in. It's time to make my leap. What direction do I want my life to go?
Endless questions are streaming through my brain.
Am I staying? Am I leaving?
What does the U.S. have to offer to me? Does the U.S. have all that I need? Should I return home to pursue my career?
What is my career?
Time is ticking. The sand's running low.
Do I have all that to become the famous singer I wish to be? It all seem so impossible right now. So far away.

Oh, btw...Happy Thanksgiving you guys!

It's so weird how one mistake against a friend can effect the lives of 5 other people. This is truly a small world.
So, let's not forget to greet your neighbors with a smile at all times! =) A smile will make the difference.


A thankful heart is a happy heart.
Stay happy!


Cabbage Wabbage

Homesick

Thanksgiving's right around the corner. Once again, my homesick symptoms are back.
Loneliness. I wish my parents were here. I wish I have my family to visit this weekend.
On the brighter note: I am not alone. My sister's here. I have friends around. Not too many assignments. It'll be a fun weekend. I should be grateful with what I have. It IS thanksgiving, not mournsgiving.
Main reason to rejoice this weekend: Thanksgiving Sales!

Tonight will be my very first piano recital after taking a break from piano playing in the past 2 years.
I can tell you that excited is not quite the word to describe how I'm feeling right now.
Beethoven Sonata No.5 in C minor Op 10. No. 1

I love you, Beethoven! Don't haunt me if I screw this piece up tonight!

Cabbage Wabbage

Bicycling for the First Time

Singing with complete focus and being able to trust my musicality--allowing my ears to lead my voice and fingers. Not listening to myself, but being able to hear the music before my production.

After locking myself up in the practice rooms for a good 4 hours the past 3 days, I think I've finally understood what my music teachers and professors have been trying to teach me in the past decade.

This reminds me of the day when I rode the two wheeled bike on my own without Dad balancing me from behind for the first time.
"Don't let go Dad!" I yelled. "Don't worry, I will never let go, Sze Ling!" he said.
As I kept cycling, it got easier and easier. I loved it. The wheel kept spinning and I had a great balance. Excitedly, I looked back to face Dad and tell him how much fun I was having...only to find out he was miles away behind me. CRASH!
He let go. In fact, judging by how far away he was, I'm pretty sure he's let me go for quite a while by now.
Oh, but the fun. The freedom. The trust I had in my balance and the bike.

Nerves can really kill.

Cabbage Wabbage

Cloudy Out

You can only acknowledge beauty if you're able to acknowledge ugliness.

Yes, I've decided.
To sing each note like my life is dependent on it.

Yes, I've decided.
To do anything I want to do. And attain whatever I wish to attain.

But, PROCESS.

patience is the key for me.

Distorted

I feel so grotesque. Like one of Goya's.
I feel so puzzled. Like one of Picasso's.

Isn't it funny that as soon as you try to make something beautiful out of beauty, it becomes ugly.

Cabbage Wabbage

The Cycle.

The cells: -You don't know
-You know

The series:
You don't know
You know what you don't know
You don't know what you know you don't know
You know what you don't know you know you don't know
You don't know what you know you don't know you know you don't know
You know what you don't know you know you don't know you know you don't know
You don't know what you know you don't know you know you don't know you know you don't know.
If this was a diagram, it would look like this:
You Don't Know <---> You Know
..
...
......
...........
.................
.....................
..................
............
.....
...
..

Conclusion:
You will never just know.
You will never just don't know.
There will be a "know" after a "don't know"

Yes, this is my other cycle besides menstruation.


Cabbage Wabbage

Perfervid

...Was woken up at 6.30AM by the warm beam of sunlight breaking through beautiful clouds.
I have the best sky view from my bedroom.
I wish beautiful clouds can last longer. They only last so long till the wind starts kicking in. =(

My question:
How can two different individuals come together and work as one without having to lose one's identity?
Yes, I know that one can stand up for one's values and what matters the most without having to point fingers and prove others wrong. But can human brains truly function that way? Even if this is possible for some mutants out there, what's the use if normal humans aren't conditioned to listen to you.
You hear, but do you listen? Have you tried breathing the air that the other is breathing? Can you?

I've decided!
I'll be the bitch if you don't want to be the asshole.
The truth will reveal itself in time. And that's ok.

Junior's registration day is coming up.
My Spring Semester attempts:
-Choir
-Physics for the Fine Arts
-Music of the 20th Century
-Voice Lessons
-Conducting for Instrumental Music
-Piano Pedagogy
-Junior Recital
-Foundations of Fitness

On top of that:
-Piano Lessons
-Opera Workshop
-20-25 hours of work each week
-20-30 hours of practicing each week

Oooohhh..this is going to be exciting!!

It's one of those weeks.

People are still dying.
People are still killing.
Passer-by's never seem to find a reason to stop walking.
People still hate you.
People still love you.
Trucks are still rumbling down Riverside.
Planes are still flying by.
Incomplete assignments are still sitting on my desk.
The coffee's brewing.

blank. blank. blank.
...I'm still here.

The sun is appearing again.
Is this a new day? Or just a re-cap of everything that's happened yesterday?


...It's getting cold. I need to shop for new coats.

Unconditional Love

Do you love a person expecting them to love you in return?
Can one still define that as love?
No. That is not love. That is selfishness. That is using the other as an object to attain your own satisfaction in life.
Someone once said to me "I love you, but I'm not romantically in love with you."
That is not love. That is lust. Desires. Not my desires, but his.

Laying down His life for His beloved. Now this is love.
Laying down your life and your heart to your beloved ones, not because you are expected to and not because you expect to be loved in return.

You just love. You merely want to give your heart to the other.
That should be your one and only desire.

That to me, is pure love. The love that I wish to attain someday.

"I breathe in a valley, breath out a mountain." -May Swenson

No time

I hate how it gets dark at 5 PM. I need longer quality time with Mr. Sun.
I am currently on the verge to explode.
I keep telling myself over and over again. "Everything will be fine, Evelyn. Life is beautiful. All trouble will end and everything will fall into place"....

I have to:
1) read a book by tomorrow
2) learn 3 new piano pieces by next Saturday
3) write a review on my opera scene by Tuesday
4) call my sis to wish her happy birthday
5) figure out my repertoire for my recital next spring
6) find a pianist for my recital
7) finance my life for the next month
8) read
9) practice
10) write
11) work
12) read
13) practice
14) write
15) work
.....I have a strong feeling that I will never catch up with anything and half ass everything for the next 2 years of my life.

Anyone else feeling the tension pumping through their brain cells?

Ps: I would like to correct my statement on my ideal BF.
My current ideal BF would have to be: Yevgeny Sudbin
*SQUEAK!* Yevgeny, he is so dreamy....the way his fingers dance on the piano keys. The way he awkwardly smiles at his roaring audience. The sound of his piano playing oozes through my ears, trickles down my spines...

I would work my ass off and become a famous musician just to meet this man.
What a man, what a musician...

Being Watched...on Facebook

I hate the feeling of being watched.
I have this tendency of becoming a different person when I am watched. I can easily change into the Evelyn that the society expects.
Lately, I have been having troubles with posting on this blog. The reasoning: well, I've heard that people are actually reading my blog. So, each time I post something new, my sincerity in my words decreases. I become this Evelyn who tries really hard to be witty, smart, deep, or an Evelyn with an extreme attitude. This reminds me of a story...
Once upon a time, I had Facebook. Unconsciously, I slowly became a Facebook addict. Facebook ruled over me.
Facebook addiction symptoms:
It takes half an hour for me to actually fill up the freaking Evelyn is "...." in my profile. Each time I add a new photo album, it takes me at least an hour to choose which pictures I think my 700+ facebook friends would be interested in seeing. And then another half an hour to figure out a funny, provocative, eye-capturing title for that album. Don't even get me started on how long it takes me to fill in my "about me" section.
Why? Why do I care so much about how I want the society to think of me? Why do I need to be witty? Why should I have to think for half an hour each time I fill up the blanks on Facebook?
If it was truly me, it shouldn't be so time consuming, and I wouldn't feel the urge to log on facebook every hour to check on who commented on my pictures, and who wrote on my wall. Why should it matter? And why do I feel ashamed or worried when my church mentors and family members add me as a friend on Facebook?

This makes me wonder. If Facebook "friends" can create such an issue for me, how much more can real life friends and people affect who I am as a part of the society?
Do you do what you do because YOU want to do them? Do you say what you say because that's truly what YOU believe? Do you express what comes to your brain first? or do you express yourself completely different from what your inner instincts first tells you?

It's challenging, I know.
Thank God, I've broken up with Facebook cold turkey. Less distractions, more time for myself.
If you're facing the sort of problem I've faced, you might wanna consider saying goodbye to facebook sometime soon.

Cabbage Wabbage