Wednesday, December 31, 2008

One Last Post for 2008

Dearest Readers,
It has been a great year. If you've been reading faithfully, thank you for the support.
I wish all of you the best for the New Year. And please remember to live everyday like there's no tomorrow. Have fun and be excited. Remember that everything that happens today happens for a reason, and the reason can only unfold in the future. So there is no use to worry today, but be grateful for the chance to live another new day.

Be kind to yourself. Love while you can. And be gentle to our world.

As for now, enjoy your last few minutes of 2008, and be ready to welcome the brand new 2009 with the widest arms and warmest smiles.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! God Bless You!!

Till next year,
Cabbage Wabbage

Things I'm Grateful for 2008

As we move into a brand new year, it seems proper for me to acknowledge all that I'm grateful for in the year 2008.
I learned so much of myself this year. Good and bad. Mostly bad, but it was meant for the good.
I saw strength in myself. I never knew I had such power in me. I never knew I was allowed to feel such strength before.
I also saw myself in the most vulnerable and weak form. God did I hate myself.
I saw how my past is in conflict with my present.
How much I need to unlearn, and relearn of myself.
I learned to see my family through a different lens.
I saw the power of love, honesty, and sincerity.
I found Alec, who has been such a great support for me in this past year.
I learned to see the difference between pride and confidence.
I was given the responsibility to supervise student workers in the coffee shop.
I understood how much it gives me to serve others in everything that I had the chance to do. (at work, in classrooms, in my performances, with friends, with family, with strangers)
Finally realizing the joy I can find through singing.
Finally learning how to love and care for myself.

These of course do not list things in detail. But you get the idea. It's been a great year. I can only hope for more to be grateful for in the upcoming year.

Love one another.

Cabbage Wabbage

Untitled

Being away from your loved one on New Year's Eve is actually pretty depressing.
It's nice to be with family, but you know...it's also really nice to be able to be beside him during the count down and get that kiss from him on the first second of 2009.
Oh well, there will be other New Years coming up. It's just too bad that this happens to our first New Year together. Unfortunately, it will be spent apart.

Cabbage Wabbage

Unlearning

Babies need encouragement to know what they're doing right.
Babies need encouragement to know that they can.
Babies need encouragement to know that they are loved.
Babies need encouragement to know that they are more than what they think they are.
Babies need encouragement to know that they are allowed to choose what's right.

Why do I speak of this? How do I know what babies need?
Because, I was not a baby who was showered by encouragements.
I was an extroverted baby who had to be consistently be controlled and disciplined. Quite the opposite, I was discouraged from being myself.
Well back then, my parents did it to ensure that I learned how to control my emotions, my pride, my extroverted characteristics. It was out of love and care. They were just trying to protect me.
However, as a kid, I did not see this. Instead, I saw myself as a failure to my parents, a problem kid, the worst out of the four, the daughter who just never had it.
Now as an adult, this misunderstanding has become a rather serious obstacle in my growth. I have to unlearn many things that I've felt in the past decades, and re-condition myself to love some things that I've somehow learned to hate in the past.
What do I mean by the word "unlearn"?
It is to completely abandon some subjects that you've once held as essential in your past.
Abandon, turn away, weed out (down to the roots), to disconnect yourself from whatsoever it is that you are planning to unlearn.

When this is done successfully, you'll find yourself most vulnerable and lonely.
So please be aware that the choice to unlearn is liberating but it will cause living a more difficult process than how it use to be. It's no longer the same old routine.

So be careful with what you choose.

Cabbage Wabbage

My Lil Nephew

Watching my lil' nephew makes me wonder what kinda life he would be living 2 decades from now.
Where will I be?
Ideally, I would really wish to be traveling around the world singing and learning more music, more history, experiencing what I've been studying and studying what I shall be experiencing.
There's no such thing as enough in Evelyn's dictionary. Always hungry, always dissatisfied.

So, where will lil' Emmeth be at this moment? He will of course be with my sister and my brother in-law. God willing, he may be with his younger siblings.
What kinda life will he be living? An extremely accessible life. The developed world he will be surrounded by. Sure, it seems like he's got it easy. But I wonder what challenges he would have to deal with. What more can his generation envision to do?

These questions lead me to..well no where.
The thing to do now is to pray that I may live happily through the life span that I've been given, and complete the tasks that I've been entitled to.

Cabbage Wabbage

What Love Use to Look Like




Oh, how magical love use to be. The fluttery, sparkly, pink clouds vision that cartoons have implanted into the minds of lil' ten years-old girls.
It's funny because most cartoons disregard the existence of conflicts, the struggle to maintain the magic in a relationship, the idea of break-ups. Maybe the relationship is just not working out, and sometimes he's just not the right match for her.
lol...
As I was watching through these video clips, I also realized how we (my sisters and I) have become so pessimistic in our views of relationships and the world in general.

There are worries, and it does not always work out for eternal happiness on earth.

Cabbage Wabbage

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Yellow Fever by Wong Fu

OMG! You guys! This is so funny...A window to Asian culture =)

Cabbage Wabbage

Backwards nerd...

Current GPA: 3.846
Cumulative GPA: 3.733

Yea, decent grades...Sadly, once you hit senior year GPA's somehow loses its worth and meaning.
It's different for different students I guess, some students get so worked up about not being on the dean's list, some really like the number 4.0, and some just don't really give a shit about their grades and have fun in the sun doing a whole buncha bs all day *hey if that makes them happy(shrugs)*

Coming from a Chinese background, I was one to care about my grades. I was so consumed by grades in my freshman year that I couldn't write papers coz I was too worried about getting bad grades for them.
Yes, in other words...I was a nerd...just backwards. Coz I would end up procrastinating coz I was too busy worrying.
Perfectionism sets you up for failure.
As a nerd who wants to be perfect, I see the possibility to fail at the end of the tunnel. So like many other perfectionists, I choose to be idle and worry over problems that don't exist.

Now that I've learned this as a senior (yes, I know I've come a long way)seeing good grades on my transcript doesn't really mean much anymore.
It's great to know that you've done a decent job in the semester, but your grades doesn't mean as much as the experiences and lessons you've learned through your courses. They mean nothin if you're just as shitty of a person as you were in the beginning of your college career.

And now to close, words of wisdom from the Back Dorm Boyz...


Cabbage Wabbage

Malaysianity Withdrawal

How I miss your breeze
How I wish I was able to know you better
To walk on more of your sand and beaches
To climb more hills and mountains
To swim in the dark blue sea
and taste more of your fresh young coconuts.

So I was talking to my aunt from San Francisco on Christmas day and I told her how much I would like to go back to Malaysia.
"Yi yi we miss our Malaysian identity so badly. We wish we can plan on a date for the whole family to gather in Malaysia once again." Sadly, her response was, "Let's first plan on completing your education. Maybe after grad school."
GRAD SCHOOL?? That's like 4000000 more yearssss.
Eight years. It's been eight years since I bid my farewells. Since I waved at my friends in the airport. Since I told my best friends that I would be back in 3 or 4 years.

It's been eight years. How can I still call myself a Malaysian and posses a red Malaysian passport? What rights do I have to speak for my country?
You know...come to think of it, I actually feel pretty hypocritical whenever I introduce myself as a Malaysian international student in Augsburg College...

Oh, Malaysia
How I miss you...

Cabbage Wabbage

True Love

Yesterday i was playing with my lil' 9 months old nephew.
I was throwing him up in the air(the way he would normally like) only to find him looking distraught, constipated...almost as though he was in deep pain.
5 seconds later, he burp puked on me.

Nice...very nice.

And no, I did not put him into the crib and punish him for his bad manners. Instead, I held him close, kissed him, and said "Anytime, lil' guy...anytime."

Cabbage Wabbage

Baby's favorite words

Age 0-1
1. mamamama
2. babababababa
3. aiaiaiaiai

Age 1-3
1. no
2. ya/yes
3. all done *well sort of*

Watching my sister with her baby makes me wonder how my mom was able to have four of us. It is challenging and difficult to have a baby--financially, time and energy wise, emotionally...there's so much that a mother needs to invest in raising a healthy baby.

Moral of the story is: Don't get knocked up, not unless if you know you are ready to have and love one. So be really careful, ladies.

Love thyself.

Cabbage Wabbage

Winding Up

So we're coming to an end of 2008. And I'm beginning to plan out my new year's resolution.
It's a scary year to transition into. End of College, beginning of a brand new chapter.
It's interesting how I never had this same feeling when I was ending my high school phase. I guess i had it easy when it came to getting into college. My dad took the initiative to call and contact colleges, while I was just living my life doing a whole bunch of nothings and worrying about my boy crushes back in those days.

Now, without my dad, I have to start applying for things that I've never imagined I'll ever be able to get into.
Jobs, scholarships, housings, transportation, insurance and maybe loans...
Thinking about all of this makes me shudder with fear.
*inhales and exhales in the count of 5*

Fear not, just believe. That's what my aunt said. But how do you know which decision is the right one to make?
When the time comes, you'll know. That's what my sister said. But what if I've decided at the wrong time?
lol...yea..as you can see, I'm being very optimistic about my upcoming new year.

Maybe my resolution should just be..
Live happy. Be excited to live and learn. I should just go with the ride and trust that He who has created me will lead me to wherever I need to go.

Trust and believe. Maybe that's why Christians are such strong and fearless folks. They don't have it easy, but they sure know how to make life look easy to live.

Cabbage Wabbage

Monday, December 29, 2008

Note for kitchen research

The difference in the effects between baking with margarine versus baking with butter.
The measurement relation between tsp, tbsp, cup, oz.
What is the difference between baking soda versus baking powder.
What other tofu puddings can I make.

Maybe it's time for me to start building my pantry...
And purchase my own kitchen wares..
Also, a blender.

cabbage wabbage

Taken Augsburg for Granted

Being away from Augsburg has been a great decision.
But it's been a week and a half now, and I'm starting to realize a few things that I've taken the campus for granted.
1) Transportation (Metro Transit to be exact)
2) An available gym
3) Music practice rooms
4) Being in the city
5) Being so close to the grocery mall

Yea, gym is such an important facility. I really need to work out after all those Christmas meals.
I've been wearing my pjs and sweatpants for the past few days, I wonder if I still fit into my jeans.
I'm worried...

Cabbage Wabbage

I found this online

TOFU CHOCOLATE PUDDING OR MOUSSE

1 lb. soft tofu
1/4 c. salad oil
3/4 c. granulated sugar
1/4 c. cocoa
1 tsp. vanilla

Blend tofu, all ingredients until smooth and creamy. Pour into individual serving dishes and chill until firm.

CHOCOLATE:

1 lb. soft tofu
1 (6 oz.) pkg. semi-sweet pieces
1 c. sugar, granulated
1/4 c. butter
Dash of salt
1 tsp. vanilla

Blend tofu, sugar, salt, and vanilla until smooth and creamy. Melt chocolate and butter over low heat. Gradually blend into mixture. Pour into individual serving dishes and chill. Makes 3 cups.


YUMMMM!!! All I need now is a blender!

Cabbage Wabbage

My realization

Family loses importance when you hit the first two years of college.
It's so easy to want to pull away and prove to them that you'll be fine on your own.
"I am independent!I am a grown up!"
When you hit junior year, you start to realize...maybe all those parties, drinking, lollygagging with the senior boys, puttering aimlessly in the mall...
they don't really show much maturity. In fact they are very opposite to what you meant to prove to your family.
Your family on the other hand, misses you and are worrying for the zero phone calls, for the bad grade reports, the overdrafts in your bank account, and the ugly and disrespectful boyfriend you brought home the other day.
Who you think you are suppose to be in college is just an assumption.
I will not admit that I did not have moments when I truly enjoyed my first two years of college. They were years to rebel and presuppose your values and the "right" choices--to experiment.
But sometimes, it would have been better to just obey your parents and trust that their ways were learned through experience.
Sometimes, their words are not demands, but are of love and care.

haha..rediscovering moments from the past can really twinge your views of life.

cabbage wabbage

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

The Ultimate Kiddie Showdowns

WHAT? so I was just watching Vh1 on cable and the kiddie beauty pageant just so happen to be on. It is poopie gushing out of the eyes disgusting!
So there are like 50 something little girls going through categories (swimsuit, photogenic, best hair, best costume, best dance, yes you name it!) and they get judged and then win titles and get awarded with cash.
Hilarious!
I don't understand how parents can allow kids to do such a thing, putting their kids through contests that is based completely on outward appearances to win them cash prizes.

Sigh...
Anyways, I'm almost done with finals. Just one more thing to sing, and I'll be done.

I wonder how its gonna be for tomorrow's opera workshop final. Let's hope for the best!!

Evelyn

Saturday, December 13, 2008

The Importance of Critical Thinking

Most of my interviewees saw the importance in the Western logic of critical thinking. Through their education in America, they have learned to justify their beliefs, embrace their individual identities, understand and express the embedded messages of their cultures in a more explicit and carefree manner.
The skill of critical thinking urges non-contextual and explicit to-the-point dialogues. The individual who practices critical thinking has a clear idea of what is needed and what will bring the most good for the individual through the exchange of ideas.
In one of my first classroom experiences in America, I remember being in complete shock at how some students were conversing with the teacher. They were very clear with their opinions and were not reluctant in expressing them even when they did not align with the teacher's lesson plan. Instead of being offended and lecturing at those students, the teacher encouraged the discussion and invited the rest of the class to join in.
Coming from a high context culture, where there are many hidden messages beneath the context, I was accustomed to the classroom in which teachers ruled over students. When teachers walk in, every student stands and bows to greet him or her. Whoever refuses to do so will be punished. During class, the idea of discussion was foreign and a silent class was well admired by the school administrators. Our only opportunity to speak in class is when we are required to orally recite an essay that we have memorized, otherwise teachers only allow students to speak when they acquire an answer from the textbook.
In a high context culture, "meanings are internalized and there is a large emphasis on nonverbal codes."(Hall) The culture is pre-programmed, in which it leaves very little room for chances, interpretations, debates and discussions because the community would already know the context in the state of the situation.
There is a common pattern that all members naturally abide in the high context community. When this "pre-programmed" system is challenged and provoked by some members with new thoughts and ideas, they are very likely to be avoided by the community(Jennifer Beer). Thus, opinionated and passionate dreamers are seen as outcasts in the high context societies.
When the group does not function to generate new opinions, members of the high context community becomes adapted to routines and choices are dependent on "beliefs that reflect on the past" and are coordinated to the traditions of the culture. The low context community on the other hand, strives to reach futuristic goals--everything is in linear motion where today's choices will and can affect the future. This culture allows members to dream and see the possibilities for a better and brighter future.
This shows throughout my research. All of my interviewees expressed how they were able to generate their own opinions and found many new prospects in their American lives. Their American lives gave them futuristic goals which gave their lives more meaning and purposes which they didn't have and would have never dreamed of seeing back at home.

Cabbage Wabbage

Funny Story

Alec walked into my living room today and found two sticks of butter on a plate sitting on the couch. They're just sitting there chilling, hanging out with each other on the plate.
We assumed that the butter might taste better if they lived a comfier life.
That's probably what it is.

Funny...=)

Cabbage Wabbage

Usage of Opportunities in High-Low Context Cultures

A high context community may have the same amount of opportunities given to a low context community. But the members from the low context society are more familiar to the advantages of their opportunities in comparison to the members of the high context society. An example we can refer to is the difference between the members of the American society and the Japanese society. Today's America encourages diversity in the community. Changes, developments, and improvements in opinions, thoughts and dreams are welcomed in the American's low context society. Today's Japanese generation is facing the problem of cooperating their personal desires and opinions into their high context culture. Their cultural traditions pressure the younger generation to preserve the homogeneity of their culture. In Japan, it is important to "know one's place; role or rank" in the society. Opinionated individuals are avoided and following form is very important. "There's a correct way to do almost anything" and "there's a correct phrase and thought to say for most situations." This collective behaviors prevents the society from acknowledging their appreciation to their opportunities. Changes will be difficult, and life will eventually become merely a routine.
The opportunities for jobs and education is better taken advantage of in the American society. In America, most people are educated to be creative and innovative in making their own paths to dreams and successes. In the American culture, you are allowed to dream for more, to have better jobs than your currents ones, to have a more secured health care, or a better education. People who are driven in their work with the right amount of persistence are capable to seek higher level of achievements and successes in America. As one of my interviewees responded "coming to America gave me a chance to see more in life...Back at home, I never even knew I had a cup to fill. But now, I have a cup and I always see my cup as half empty, about to be filled with more things, regardless what it is--water milk, or anything else."

Opportunities

When asked what they appreciate most in America, all interviewees' responds consist the word "opportunity". It was interesting to see how in their home community's, opportunities were not acknowledged due to their familial values, difference between the power of male versus female, and their culture's short-term time orientation. Throughout their lives in America, the endless opportunities gave them the possibility to security, freedom to become individuals and the freedom to reach their personal goals.
Like my interviewees, the American opportunities gave me a reason to dream. If I would have not left Malaysia, I would have completely missed out on the freedom I have to become who I want to be.
In Malaysia, we live in a high context culture. Everything we do is dependent on the norm of the society. Everything is done collectively, and there is no special treatment to individualistic behaviors. There is no room for the free spirited dreamers. So, for the ones who are passionate for more cannot function happily in a high context culture. There is no goal to reach, and no glass to fill. They easily become depressed and lost in the collective society.
America on the other hand is very much a low-context society. The society is dependent on individualistic choices based off of personal ideas and opinions. The freedom of speech and freedom to express grants individuals the opportunity to communicate their ideas with each other no matter how different each idea may be from one another. From household values to academic education, children are taught the skills of "critical thinking" from a very young age. Instead of being spoon fed, individuals in America are taught to make their own decisions and opinions, and come to their own conclusions. They are aware of their capability in achieving goals, no matter where the journey begins, and no matter how low you may be in the class chart. Opportunities are endless; jobs, health care, and education are offered to most of those who are in need of a helping hand. In America, it is essential for people to live out their dreams, as long as they are responsive to the given opportunities.

Friday, December 12, 2008

Self Doubt, Self Pity

I've been realizing lately.
Self doubt is such a selfish thing to do.
It is an excuse that people use to avoid confrontations.
Confronting weaknesses is what I meant.

You allow yourself to doubt,
so you don't have to work harder.
If you don't see hope,
You won't have a better goal,
which might acquire extra effort from you.

Self pity is no different,
the more you feel sorry for yourself,
the less you will work.
Oh poor me,
I am a pitiful creature,
so I deserve some sentiment from the world.
The world is always against me,
no matter how hard I work,
so why keep trying?

Life sucks, and then you die. That's what my boyfriend's mom would always say.

I'm tired of this lifestyle.
I'm a senior now for Christ sake,
haven't I learned anything yet from my past four years of college experience?

Doubting and feeling sorry for yourself is a very tiring task.
Don't even try it, it's not worth your time. Trust me =)

Cabbage Wabbage

Sometimes,

You get caught up in the cloud of doubt.
You worry, and lose sight of how big this world actually is.
You lose hope, and you mop.
You keep moping.
You pull yourself away from the rest.
Further and further you go.
Until no one notices you.
Until you finally hit the wall.

You realize,
you can no longer go any further.
That's it.
What do you?
Sit and wait till your skin begins to wrinkle up
and you shrivel away into the cold misty air?
No one remembers you anyway.
You've been forgotten.

So you just sit there.
And wait till death creeps up on you.
And you die.


Cabbage Wabbage

Things To Do:

-Build a Resume
-Practice more
-Look for more jobs
-Jobs related to major
-Just sing

Attitude:
-Be more confident
-Be excited
-Be happy
-Believe in His will
-Be tough

Cabbage Wabbage

Decisions

I'm getting done with my first Sem of senior year.
It's an interesting feeling, you're not really sure what it is.
You're excited to be done, but you have the feeling of confusion and worry...what next?
Are you ready to be independent.
So, it's pretty much decided now, Evelyn is not going to Grad school.
No Grad School means I need to find jobs for OPT meaning, a real job for my major.

I chose to go against grad school because I knew going into Grad School is just an easy way out. I wouldn't have been ready mentally and emotionally.

It was a smart decision. I don't doubt it a bit.

Anyhow, now, I have to decide on what kind of life style I can afford next year and how much money must I earn this year to prepare me for next year.

Also, its time to start looking for available jobs.
Argh...panicking...

Cabbage Wabbage

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

bloody hell!!

Woke up this morning and did not feel good at all.
Three heavenly shots of espresso later,
I feel amaaaazing..*smiles in content*

Today's one of those days that seems pretty shitty at first,
but turns out to be a pretty good day. It might still be too early to say this...

Vespers week always feels constipated.
I just wanna get it over with.
I just wanna sing great and not have to go through rehearsals
having finals and papers screaming at the back of my mind.

I really should be working on home work right now,
but decided to watch No Reservation on the Travel Channel instead.
lol.
Procrastinators unite!!!
Confession: I heart Anthony Bourdain...

Cabbage Wabbage

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

So Stressed

Why?
The needless burdens, you do know that you're only paying for the degree.
College is just a smell of what it'd be like in the real world.

So stressed,
I got papers due in a week.
A research presentation that I haven't even started.
An exam in two weeks.

And work.
to survive.
to eat
to pay off the living cost.


On the lighter note,
Vesper's coming soon this friday and saturday.
I'm sure there are call-tickets available, so if u haven't gotten tickets, you should still go!!!
There are 2 services for each of those days.
5pm or 8pm on friday or saturday.
you make your pick.

Come support Augsburg's choirs and enjoy beautiful music for free (donations are deeply appreciated)!

Cabbage Wabbage

Monday, December 1, 2008

Love life

Maybe loving life is
not about earning
not about gaining earthly stuff
not about taking from the world
not about splurging on materialistic goods
not about having rights
not about status
not about binging
not about being drunk with lust
not about the exterior beauty

maybe loving life is
living life the way it has been given to us
appreciating those that have placed in our lives
giving a lending hand to those who are in need
and accepting the hands that are being lent to you
just be
you
one with the body
one with the planet
Doesn't the very thought that there are so many of us
living on the same planet
with same desire
to be significant
and special
just makes you want to smile to your neighbors?

It makes me smile.
That's one reason why I am still here.

Cabbage Wabbage

Reason...

I'd like to say that life is pointless.
Life is unfair...
Life is out of our control.
When one leaves us in such a sudden,
it is easy to ask "why live?"

But look around.
We are all still here.
There must be a point to all of this.
Otherwise, there won't be this many of us.
Look around,
we are still here on earth.
There must be a reason why we are still breathing...

There must be a reason.
There must be.

Cabbage Wabbage

Once again, I am caught off guard

To Katie Wiltgen..
How precious your life had been on earth.
We only wish we could keep you with us a little longer.
But I guess every life must die someday.
And yours ended too soon for me to comprehend.

You are cherished...
You will be remembered...
Your smiles, your whines, your yellings, your voice, your laughter, your cheer, your sweetness, and your suffering...
you were who you were,
you've lived out what you were given...

Thank you, Katie for all that you've given to us.

Cabbage Wabbage