Selfless Love

Deny Yourself. Have interest in others' needs more than your own.

Luke 9:23 And he said to all, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.

Mark 8:34 And calling the crowd to him with his disciples, he said to them, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me."


Cabbage Wabbage

The end of Christmas Season

I'm going shopping this afternoon. I'm SOOO pumped!
After Christmas Season SALES! This is a very dangerous season for humans like Evelyn.

I've been getting many awful news about my relatives in Malaysia. Things are changing and I don't get to be there it.

January 1 is coming = New Year resolutions in the process

One of these days, I'll find a time to ponder on the '07 lessons that I've learned through Augsburg.

Be excited!!!

Cabbage Wabbage

What is Beauty?

.Love.

Honor

What is honor to you?
Your religion? Your ancestors? Your family? Your children? Your friends? Your house? Your money? Your looks? Your job?
Funny when you think of the things that can offend the most laid back person you know...
You can talk shit and mock everything about them but the one thing that they honor most in their lives.
It is a part of one's pride. Where does one places his/her pride in.
It is a part of one's identity. What is the basic rule of thumb that one lives on.
It is a part of one's world. A person can go on living, needing nothing but this one thing.
It is like a precious treasure--a jewel, or a secret garden that is protected and is out of the reach of everyone but you.

What is your treasure and are you honoring this treasure in your day to day daily routines?


Cabbage Wabbage

And all disheartened spirits shall be healed by the magical touch of Monet's brush

Christmas

The day we celebrate the birth of our Lord Jesus Christ, who came down to earth in the form of a helpless babe.
Beautiful.
A God so powerful who chose to be in a simple woman's womb for 9 months. Just think how fragile He was.
Do you believe this? Do you believe this story?
Sometimes I don't. Sometimes, I can't. And I'm a double-Pastor's Kid!
It's hard to imagine that a powerful God--who I don't really know, coming to me in human form in order to save me from my damns. He did all these for love.
Love. That is the biggest difference in Christianity. Christianity is not a religion, it is a love relationship between humanity and God. It's all about love. We are given a choice to return the love from a God who has chosen to love us first.
Yes, I am a hypocrite. I can be a selfish person, and I do not live my life reflecting a true Christian who knows this Love inside out.
But in defense for myself, I will say that no one is born perfect. And life is a process. Learning your imperfections day by day and challenging yourself by choosing to improve.
I hope everyone had a good Christmas!
I hope everyone is feeling the spirit of love!

Heartily,
Cabbage Wabbage

Memories

I remember...
When I fell down the stairwell back when I was 6.
I was trying to catch the blue balloon and did not realize that my legs were not coordinated enough for me to run down the stairs. I chipped my front teeth.

I remember...
Catching as many ladybugs as I can. I would walk home from school with a handful of ladybugs to be kept in a tiny container.
I woke up one morning, and the container was no where to be found.
I cried for a day*which was probably an hour in real time*, and forgot everything once mom was done baking brownies.

I remember...
I use to hide in the crack between my parents' bed and the wall in their bedroom. I would run away from baths and that was the most strategic place to hide. Yea, I was always the queen of hiding in rounds of hide and seek.

I remember...
The day when I had to stand on the desk in class because I failed to complete my homework.

I remember...
Catching tadpoles with my hands, hoping that I could keep them in a tiny container. Too bad they needed water to survive. I couldn't think of a way to keep them wet the whole way home.

I remember...
Dad would always bring my sisters and I out for late night supper in the late night food stalls. Nasi lemak, teh tarik, chai tao ge..yummm...

I remember...
Being locked in the storage room. I was not allowed to come out until I could recite the times-table up to the multiplication of 10. That was NOT fun...

I remember...
Tearing, stomping and spitting on my piano books. I hated practicing piano. I guess Mom was always right when I was a kid. My practicing sessions did pay off and still does.


...so much from my past...so much to do...so many dreams....

cabbage wabbage

Let's talk about Psych

I find it so hard to believe how much our lives revolve around our mental stability.
We can easily change and create things through our imagination.
The power of imagination makes up and puts the pieces of matters together in our lives.
How scary.
The choices that we make revolve around 2 things, our will to change and the fear to change.
Humans naturally want to improve and change consistently. But we are the very same individuals that stop changes.
A tiny mistake made by our ancestors can be the very reason why your dad is abusive, your mom is a drunkard, you're socially awkward, and I lack in self-confident.
How powerful are we as human beings. The choices that we're given, the changes that we can create...our brains, imaginations, and bodies that could turn our imaginations into reality.
This exact thought scares me.
I lose my belief everytime I think of this.
For I refuse to believe that my life is in my complete control. No one can deny that there is a higher power hovering over humanity. The "spiritual realm".
We are not as powerful as we think we are...it could easily be just another one of our imaginations.

Afraid to Sleep

Afraid to sleep...

What if I'll never wake up for tomorrow...
Afraid to sleep...
What if my body locks my soul up...
Afraid to sleep...
What if I'll never get to see my loved ones again..
Afraid to sleep...
What if its the end of the world...
Afraid to sleep...
What if my lover leaves me...
Afraid to sleep...
What if a murderer breaks into my home...
Afraid to sleep...
What if I wake up beside a stranger....
What if I became a stranger to myself?
What if I lose my home...
my family and friends...
my hair...
my clothes...
my job...
my world...
my memories...
What is left of me then?

Cabbage Wabbage

Fragile

Life.
what is beyond the things we see.
We consistently stop ourselves from thinking.
Fear.
Afraid to lose our sense of control.
Fear.
Unanswered questions.
What if you find yourself in bed tomorrow...
Paralyzed.
Unable to move your tongue..
Numb....No!
This is not a dream!
No!
Wake me Up!
Let me out of this body!
Can anyone hear me?
Why do they look at me with those eyes?
Why are they sticking a tube down my nostrils?
Wake me up!
No!
Get me out!
No...this is not a dream...
Life is no longer what I've created.
My body is whithering...
Slowly shedding into dust.

Farewell my loved ones.
Will you remember me?


Cabbage Wabbage

Happy Break!!

Dear Stalkers,
It's finally here! Winter Break! WOohOoo~~~

So here I am sitting in the middle of my sister's dining table in Chicago.
The day after my last final, I cooked, packed, and cleaned up my room.
Next morning, I woke up, caught the Mega Bus at 7am (this was a story in itself), and arrived at Milwaukee around 1pm.

This feels so weird. It feels like I'm in a complete different timezone. I have 3 other sister and this is the first time we've gotten together in the past year--The first time together without our parents.

My eldest sister is pregnant for 5 months now.
The next time I see her, she'll have a baby in her hands.
It's finally sinking in that she's started her own family.
It feels like there are different versions of her in one body. She's no longer just my sister, she's a mom, a wife, and a soon to be pastor.
It's weird...

I guess it's true that seasons change, the old whithers and the new arrives...

Cabbage Wabbage

One down

So, my weekend of torture and sacrifice turn out to be quite an investment.

I owe it all to my super duper accountable church friends.
Thanks for all those cups of coffee and tea and snacks.

Hope everyone is well and alive.

Stay away from ferrets.


Cabbage Wabbage

Just another marathon

Ok, about my last post.
I didn't mean it when I said "I didn't learn shit".
In fact, that was probably the biggest lie I've told this semester.
I've learned more than both hands full in the past 3 months.

Pressing on.
Consistency
to the very end.
Squeezing the very last drop of energy out of me without breaking myself.
That is exactly what I need to do this week.

I will give all I can give until my very last final project.

Just another marathon in life.

Cabbage Wabbage

Fuck I've Never Actually Learned Shit

F.I.N.A.L.S
Yeap, this week has been a pain in the ass.
I was not at all anticipating a final this semester. Turns out that one of my professors decided to back stab the class and give us a gigantic final and a project on top of that.
lovely.

On top of that...

• Room mate conflict #1000000
• Juries
• Work
• Christmas Celebration
• Music lessons
  

Yikes.

I am not feeling good. I might be coming down with something.
Not gonna complain...Nope.

GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

OK we're good.

Cabbage Wabbage

wo ai ni

Tien tien wo xiang ni de ai.
Tien tien dou xiang kan jien ni de lian.
Ni zhai ne er?

Setiap hari, aku rindui cintamu.
Setiap hari, aku mimpi melihat mukamu.
Di mana Engkau?

Cabbage Wabbage

Hopelessness

Faithful reader,
It is only when one acknowledges hopelessness, then can he/she define the meaning of hope.

I question, and search for the meaning of my life.
As of now, I am in utter confusion of my existence.
I am not hopeless for my future, for I am hopeful that one day I might see the purpose of my breaths...
...hoping that someday, I may have my own apologia to claim after.
As of now, I will not deny this hopeless sensations that I have. I believe that all will come clear in time.

Never deny your weakness.
Permit yourself to make mistakes.
If needed, over-do them.

As of the very next minute, I will patiently read my Voice Rep text book, and try to complete my very first procrastinated assignment of the week...


Heartily,
Cabbage Wabbage

The journey continues

Is it just me, or do boys lose all their sensibility and intelligence once they reach their college years?
One day, I will arrange a man-hunting trip off-campus for all the Augsburg girls.

Isn't it just the greatest feeling to know that there is someone across the globe who is missing and thinking about u?

So, loneliness..
Question: am I the only one dealing with this issue right now?
Answer: No

If we all know the feeling of loneliness,
then...
Why don't we all try loving and caressing each other more often?
Why do we all act like there is no need to understand each other?
Why do we hate and call each other assholes and bitches?


Cabbage Wabbage

You are alone

lonely.

You stare into the sky on a clear night.
Clusters of stars, here and there.
You stare. you stare. and you stare
and you wonder...
where is your cluster? Where do you belong?
And then, you look around you...
only to realize that you're in the center of an open pool.
Cold...and silent...
You wish to get out.
Left, right, front, back...
No sign of land.
You're stuck.
.....
.......
Your skin's wrinkling.
let the water swallow you.
You begin to sink.
down. and down. and down.
Into the depths of pitch black.
There is no end.
You're afraid of the dark.
Numb. Silence. lame...
You can do nothing.


Friend...
You MUST Fly.
Fly for my sake, your sake and for our universe.

I love you...
Let's keep the positive vibration going.
Just between us.
Push and pull.
Give and take away.
Just love.

Healthy Vs. Instant Satisfaction

Scenario:
A customer came to the coffee shop today wondering if she should get a cookie or a rice crispy.
A rice crispy bar would be healthy, but the cookie would provide instant satisfaction. She reaches out her hand and grabs the cookie.
This is how all human brain functions. Why bother worrying about what's healthy in the long run? If he/she/it can satisfy my current needs and desires, why should I suffer the pain of waiting/separation for my future's sake? If I never satisfy my current needs to the day I die, when will I ever be satisfied then? Why do I wanna quit smoking if I love it so much? Why do I wanna keep ignoring him if it's making me suffer in the inside? Why should I choose to do my hw if I don't wanna do it? Why do I wanna go to class when I can sleep all day? Why should we break up for our future's sake if we love each other so deeply?

What would u like sir, a long term health or an instant dose of satisfaction?

Cabbage Wabbage

2 in 1

Here I am again.
In CGE, working and bloggin all at the same time. The amount of tasks humans can juggle all at once and the amount of thoughts that stream through one's head are uncomprehensible.
Anyone who says that they never talk to themselves are lying. The truth is we're always thinking/talking to ourselves. We get use to habits and condition our thoughts into the same daily routines, but that doesn't mean our brains stop thinking for and to themselves.

Anyhow, my thoughts for today: Truth and honesty.
The best interaction that happens between two individuals is when both are completely honest and transparent to each other. No hiding, no running way, no pulling away. When you're being honest and truthful to your neighbor, you are also being honest and truthful to yourself. It goes vice versa as well. Being honest--speaking nothing but truth to yourself can only increase your sincerity and honesty to your neighbor. That's 2 in 1!
Fellow stalkers, there's a reason why there are so many of us on this planet.

Common sense, but how common does this happen?

Sometimes, we are so consentrated on doing that we forget to think.
Other times, we are so consentrated in thinking that we forget to pull our asses up and put our hands to work!

Heartily,
Cabbage Wabbage

Life Games

Sometimes, I wish people will start taking each other seriously.
Human emotions are not toys--they are not objects.
You should never never play around with them.

I keep making the same mistakes.
The game of life: Let's run in circles! YAY!

Can we all look at each other from a deeper level?

If you were to strip off your outter skin, what would there be left of you?
If you were a color, which would you be? Would you even have a color?

Pavarotti was once so great. Now that he's gone, how long will people keep recognizing his existence?


Cabbage Wabbage

Was it a Dream?

Was it a dream that once, in a wonderful time,
I was your heart's true love?
I remember it as a song fallen silent,
of which the strains still echo.

I remember a rose you tossed,
a glance so shy and tender;
I remember a sparkling tear when we parted.
Was it all, all a dream?

A dream as brief as the life of a cowslip
in a green meadow in springtime,
whose beauty soon withers away
before a crowd of new flowers.

But many a night I hear a voice
through the flood of my bitter tears:
hide this memory deep in your heart,
it was your best dream!

                             -Wecksell

Watch Me Leap

I'm a Junior in College. I'm 20 year-old.
It's finally sunk in. It's time to make my leap. What direction do I want my life to go?
Endless questions are streaming through my brain.
Am I staying? Am I leaving?
What does the U.S. have to offer to me? Does the U.S. have all that I need? Should I return home to pursue my career?
What is my career?
Time is ticking. The sand's running low.
Do I have all that to become the famous singer I wish to be? It all seem so impossible right now. So far away.

Oh, btw...Happy Thanksgiving you guys!

It's so weird how one mistake against a friend can effect the lives of 5 other people. This is truly a small world.
So, let's not forget to greet your neighbors with a smile at all times! =) A smile will make the difference.


A thankful heart is a happy heart.
Stay happy!


Cabbage Wabbage

Homesick

Thanksgiving's right around the corner. Once again, my homesick symptoms are back.
Loneliness. I wish my parents were here. I wish I have my family to visit this weekend.
On the brighter note: I am not alone. My sister's here. I have friends around. Not too many assignments. It'll be a fun weekend. I should be grateful with what I have. It IS thanksgiving, not mournsgiving.
Main reason to rejoice this weekend: Thanksgiving Sales!

Tonight will be my very first piano recital after taking a break from piano playing in the past 2 years.
I can tell you that excited is not quite the word to describe how I'm feeling right now.
Beethoven Sonata No.5 in C minor Op 10. No. 1

I love you, Beethoven! Don't haunt me if I screw this piece up tonight!

Cabbage Wabbage

Bicycling for the First Time

Singing with complete focus and being able to trust my musicality--allowing my ears to lead my voice and fingers. Not listening to myself, but being able to hear the music before my production.

After locking myself up in the practice rooms for a good 4 hours the past 3 days, I think I've finally understood what my music teachers and professors have been trying to teach me in the past decade.

This reminds me of the day when I rode the two wheeled bike on my own without Dad balancing me from behind for the first time.
"Don't let go Dad!" I yelled. "Don't worry, I will never let go, Sze Ling!" he said.
As I kept cycling, it got easier and easier. I loved it. The wheel kept spinning and I had a great balance. Excitedly, I looked back to face Dad and tell him how much fun I was having...only to find out he was miles away behind me. CRASH!
He let go. In fact, judging by how far away he was, I'm pretty sure he's let me go for quite a while by now.
Oh, but the fun. The freedom. The trust I had in my balance and the bike.

Nerves can really kill.

Cabbage Wabbage

Cloudy Out

You can only acknowledge beauty if you're able to acknowledge ugliness.

Yes, I've decided.
To sing each note like my life is dependent on it.

Yes, I've decided.
To do anything I want to do. And attain whatever I wish to attain.

But, PROCESS.

patience is the key for me.

Distorted

I feel so grotesque. Like one of Goya's.
I feel so puzzled. Like one of Picasso's.

Isn't it funny that as soon as you try to make something beautiful out of beauty, it becomes ugly.

Cabbage Wabbage

The Cycle.

The cells: -You don't know
-You know

The series:
You don't know
You know what you don't know
You don't know what you know you don't know
You know what you don't know you know you don't know
You don't know what you know you don't know you know you don't know
You know what you don't know you know you don't know you know you don't know
You don't know what you know you don't know you know you don't know you know you don't know.
If this was a diagram, it would look like this:
You Don't Know <---> You Know
..
...
......
...........
.................
.....................
..................
............
.....
...
..

Conclusion:
You will never just know.
You will never just don't know.
There will be a "know" after a "don't know"

Yes, this is my other cycle besides menstruation.


Cabbage Wabbage

Perfervid

...Was woken up at 6.30AM by the warm beam of sunlight breaking through beautiful clouds.
I have the best sky view from my bedroom.
I wish beautiful clouds can last longer. They only last so long till the wind starts kicking in. =(

My question:
How can two different individuals come together and work as one without having to lose one's identity?
Yes, I know that one can stand up for one's values and what matters the most without having to point fingers and prove others wrong. But can human brains truly function that way? Even if this is possible for some mutants out there, what's the use if normal humans aren't conditioned to listen to you.
You hear, but do you listen? Have you tried breathing the air that the other is breathing? Can you?

I've decided!
I'll be the bitch if you don't want to be the asshole.
The truth will reveal itself in time. And that's ok.

Junior's registration day is coming up.
My Spring Semester attempts:
-Choir
-Physics for the Fine Arts
-Music of the 20th Century
-Voice Lessons
-Conducting for Instrumental Music
-Piano Pedagogy
-Junior Recital
-Foundations of Fitness

On top of that:
-Piano Lessons
-Opera Workshop
-20-25 hours of work each week
-20-30 hours of practicing each week

Oooohhh..this is going to be exciting!!

It's one of those weeks.

People are still dying.
People are still killing.
Passer-by's never seem to find a reason to stop walking.
People still hate you.
People still love you.
Trucks are still rumbling down Riverside.
Planes are still flying by.
Incomplete assignments are still sitting on my desk.
The coffee's brewing.

blank. blank. blank.
...I'm still here.

The sun is appearing again.
Is this a new day? Or just a re-cap of everything that's happened yesterday?


...It's getting cold. I need to shop for new coats.

Unconditional Love

Do you love a person expecting them to love you in return?
Can one still define that as love?
No. That is not love. That is selfishness. That is using the other as an object to attain your own satisfaction in life.
Someone once said to me "I love you, but I'm not romantically in love with you."
That is not love. That is lust. Desires. Not my desires, but his.

Laying down His life for His beloved. Now this is love.
Laying down your life and your heart to your beloved ones, not because you are expected to and not because you expect to be loved in return.

You just love. You merely want to give your heart to the other.
That should be your one and only desire.

That to me, is pure love. The love that I wish to attain someday.

"I breathe in a valley, breath out a mountain." -May Swenson

No time

I hate how it gets dark at 5 PM. I need longer quality time with Mr. Sun.
I am currently on the verge to explode.
I keep telling myself over and over again. "Everything will be fine, Evelyn. Life is beautiful. All trouble will end and everything will fall into place"....

I have to:
1) read a book by tomorrow
2) learn 3 new piano pieces by next Saturday
3) write a review on my opera scene by Tuesday
4) call my sis to wish her happy birthday
5) figure out my repertoire for my recital next spring
6) find a pianist for my recital
7) finance my life for the next month
8) read
9) practice
10) write
11) work
12) read
13) practice
14) write
15) work
.....I have a strong feeling that I will never catch up with anything and half ass everything for the next 2 years of my life.

Anyone else feeling the tension pumping through their brain cells?

Ps: I would like to correct my statement on my ideal BF.
My current ideal BF would have to be: Yevgeny Sudbin
*SQUEAK!* Yevgeny, he is so dreamy....the way his fingers dance on the piano keys. The way he awkwardly smiles at his roaring audience. The sound of his piano playing oozes through my ears, trickles down my spines...

I would work my ass off and become a famous musician just to meet this man.
What a man, what a musician...

Being Watched...on Facebook

I hate the feeling of being watched.
I have this tendency of becoming a different person when I am watched. I can easily change into the Evelyn that the society expects.
Lately, I have been having troubles with posting on this blog. The reasoning: well, I've heard that people are actually reading my blog. So, each time I post something new, my sincerity in my words decreases. I become this Evelyn who tries really hard to be witty, smart, deep, or an Evelyn with an extreme attitude. This reminds me of a story...
Once upon a time, I had Facebook. Unconsciously, I slowly became a Facebook addict. Facebook ruled over me.
Facebook addiction symptoms:
It takes half an hour for me to actually fill up the freaking Evelyn is "...." in my profile. Each time I add a new photo album, it takes me at least an hour to choose which pictures I think my 700+ facebook friends would be interested in seeing. And then another half an hour to figure out a funny, provocative, eye-capturing title for that album. Don't even get me started on how long it takes me to fill in my "about me" section.
Why? Why do I care so much about how I want the society to think of me? Why do I need to be witty? Why should I have to think for half an hour each time I fill up the blanks on Facebook?
If it was truly me, it shouldn't be so time consuming, and I wouldn't feel the urge to log on facebook every hour to check on who commented on my pictures, and who wrote on my wall. Why should it matter? And why do I feel ashamed or worried when my church mentors and family members add me as a friend on Facebook?

This makes me wonder. If Facebook "friends" can create such an issue for me, how much more can real life friends and people affect who I am as a part of the society?
Do you do what you do because YOU want to do them? Do you say what you say because that's truly what YOU believe? Do you express what comes to your brain first? or do you express yourself completely different from what your inner instincts first tells you?

It's challenging, I know.
Thank God, I've broken up with Facebook cold turkey. Less distractions, more time for myself.
If you're facing the sort of problem I've faced, you might wanna consider saying goodbye to facebook sometime soon.

Cabbage Wabbage

Dearest one...

Friend,
Everything will make sense very soon. Be patient and wait--not on the things that you think are ahead of you, but on the bigger picture, your life as a whole.
Let's look at the bigger picture. Our existence must not just be another consequence. Our past is not just a memory.
Affects and effects. Our lives are like dominos, remember?
Take in and soak in every single second of our lives.
Yes, betrayed, cheated, broken glass are we.
But the end marks the beginning of a new season.
Let's not forget glass is made out of tiny grains of sand.
Everything will come together.
Now, center yourself. Who are you? What is in your universe? What are your magic powers?
Now, look around you. Where are you? Who's beside you? Do you love what you see?
If you don't, then do something. Why bother living in a universe which you do not love?
If you could just focus and take charge of YOUR universe, nothing can ever harm you. Partings, separations, death--nothing.
There will be no such thing as failures, but just the becoming of a more improved universe--your universe.
Each step will lead you to a higher level.
So, please don't give up...
...for the sake of my universe, as well as the rest of the world's universe.

Cabbage Wabbage

Still Questioning...

Dear mates,
Things always happen at the most unexpected moments.
Planning is good, but shit happens.
Why is it that whenever I actually search or wait on something, it never comes?
Is it ever possible for two parts to become harmonious like the way it does in musical scores?
Can we never think in a pace?
Will we ever agree to each other?

Cabbage Wabbage

Not Bitching, Just Questioning...

People change fast.

The only way to be consistent with yourself is by being true to yourself.
You will never know the world if you do not know yourself.
The million dollar question: What is life all about?
Answer: Yourself
It is not about being selfish. Nor is it about being selfless.
But..
It is about being selfish and selfless at the same time.
What do I mean? I have no frickin clue.
I'll let you know once I figure this one out.

My ideal BF: Philosopher+ Lawyer+Minister+Engineer
Anyone up for the challenge? haha.

Halloween in college should be called "Dress up like a Slut for the Wrestlers Day!"
Is anyone else concerned about the becoming of our world?

Cabbage Wabbage

Home Sick

As you all know, I am originally from Malaysia.
My parents completed both their studies last summer and returned to our homeland, Malaysia. So, I am currently living and studying in the US on my own.
I miss my home terribly. I have not returned to Malaysia since the very second I stepped into this land of freedom.
I was writing to my parents before this. For some reason when I send snail mails or receive them from Malaysia, I feel a little closer to home. Maybe it's the just the thought that I am touching something that has been or will be touched by my parents/ friends from the other side of the globe.
Home sick.
How long must I keep waiting till I can return home.
Don't get me wrong, I love it here. Friends, cultures and the lifestyle here are all amazing. But why must the world make it so expensive and difficult for a young international student to return home?

Am I the only one who's feeling like this world is too big? Have you ever wondered the lives of people who are around you? Have noticed how many strangers there are in this world? The funny part is, we are all living in the same world--being shined on by the same sun, same moon and stars. Funny.

Cabbage Wabbage

Damn you, Disney cartoons.

I have been deceived by Disney cartoons. Fucked up. So fucked up.
Girls, let's face it, Prince Charming, Prince Eric and Prince Philip do not exist.
They are all merely delusions made up by rich folks.

We give ourselves away too easily these days. Why are we seen as the needy gender and the ones who are incapable of living our lives on our own?
Over and over, we put ourselves out there like chunks of meat ready to be eaten by men. Just because he's smart, just because he walks around with a boom box, just because has some sort of status, just because he's hot, just because you've hung out with him for 5 hours the other day--These do not make him THE PRINCE.

So to help us needy girls out, technology is foreseeing the creation of a future robotic "perfect boyfriend".
Honestly, I do not like this forecast at all. Yes, I know that men these days are mostly shit pies, but who the hell wants to be loved by a programmed robot.
What kind of girl would be satisfied from being loved by a thing that is programmed to love her? That's such a bitch slap to females from technology.
Do we seem that vulnerable, needy and desperate?
Just imagine how they would even advertise these robots in the future.
"Girls, desperate for some loving tonight? Need someone to buy you flowers and compliment you more often? Need a manly shoulder? Here you go, have a robot! He can be your perfect boyfriend!"
My God...I am speechless...

I say technology should work on creating robotic "slave boys". Slaves that would clean my house, shop for groceries, drive me around, cook for me, and massage me everynight.
Yes, that I concur.

Enough day dreaming, time to get back to work.

.......Ah, if only I had a robotic "slave boy"!

Cabbage Wabbage

Fuck buddies

Faithful stalkers, =)
3 things I love at this very moment:
1) A hot shower after a jog out in the rain
2) A hot cup of honey lemon tea
3) Moisturized skin

So, I've just recently heard that people are actually reading my entries. I better start behaving..NOT! HAHA
Hell yea! I'll say whatever I need to say in this blog.
Before I disappoint anyone, I should let you know that I'm not actually going to talk about fuck buddies.
.....
..........
.....................
ALRIGHT..
So, I've been staring at the computer screen for the past 10 minutes trying to figure out what I truly wish to express in this entry.
Ok. I can't make up my mind.

Sorry guys, I've lost my groove for tonight. I'll come back later.

Cabbage Wabbage

RoomMate

Just so you know, I've had the worst experience with roommates. I've always somehow managed to offend them.
This year has been better. I love my roommates--all three of them. Good part about living in Oren Gateway is that we get our own room. So, when frustrated with someone in the house, we can just leave and hibernate in our cozy room.
There are times when I feel obligated to have strong friendships between the four of us. But, no. You don't have to be BFFs with your roomies. In fact, I've seen people who have roomed with their BFFs end up becoming bitches to each other--moved out and never spoken a word to each other ever since.
Anyways, the point of this blog is mainly to comfort and rationalize myself. I've recently got into something with one of my roomies who happens to be one of my greatest friends on campus. Though you might not be best friends or lovers, sharing the same space and seeing each other everyday can really do something to a relationship. You have to know your boundaries, how far do you wanna get to know your roomies? How much so you allow yourself to rub off/on each other?
There are certain things that are very very infectious. So, always be on guard and know who you are. Don't exclude yourself from having an enjoyable time with your roomies, but always remember that all of you are different. Just because you're living together doesn't mean that you have to become like each other.
She left for the weekend and she's coming home tonight. Wish me luck guys!

Cabbage Wabbage

Jesse

This post is dedicated to my friend Jesse for he has taught me a lot this week.
I've come to a conclusion that in order to live a more fruitful and joyful life, it is better for one to not focus on one's own weaknesses.
This guy, Jesse is also a voice performance major. He is never afraid of singing. I've never understood how he could still focus on his performance and not look fearful even when he could not sustain his high A flats. His voice would screech and crack but his focus would still be there.
How is he able to focus in all his music classes--not looking stressed or tired or strained.
He doesn't seem to care too much about the stress in his life. He doesn't worry about making big mistakes.
In fact, that might be a trick. Make BIG mistakes. That way, you'll actually see your own weakness and not be able to run from it.
I have been focusing too much on my mistakes even before I make them. Yes, it's pathetic.

Never be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry for itself.

CABBAGE WABBAGE

For Philanthropy's Sake, go Fuck yourself.

I am bitter today.
Some things are hard to give up, you know?
"I'll run the race to the end of the line" --I keep reading this everywhere these days.
What is the race? And what is the end of line?

Nothing is what they seem. Never trust first impressions.
There's this girl who I trained in in the Coffee Shop. She gave me such a great 1st impression, I thought she would be an amazing co-worker with amazing work ethics. It turns out that she's the laziest full of lies worker I've ever met. She came into work yesterday, looking wasted, and lied to my face that she was in the Emergency Room the whole night and had to get 7 stitches in her. "I can't work today." I don't remember how many times I've heard that phrase from her since I trained her in. Well yea, you know what? Someone just saw this girl partying the night before and was drunk off her ass. Bull. Full of shit. I hate people like that. She won't survive in the real world.
Something similar happened with this other guy in Honors.
I thought he was just another asshole from Honors. Well, last week, I bumped into him in a party. We ended up chatting for the next 5 hours till dawn. It was crazy. He's the nicest guy I've met. cool. really cool. Too bad his roommates had to make it awkward for me to hang out with him now. It sucks. I still think he's cool though.
Last but not least, my ex-bf who I've dated for the first two years of college.
My advice for incoming freshman girls. Never ever ever ever date someone in your first year of college. Nothing is ever what it seems. He might seem sweet, but he will torture you to the very end. Give it some time before jumping into stupid decisions. He won't ever be right with you if you never learn how to be right with yourself.

Alright, alright , alright..
For philanthropy's sake, I'll stop blabbering.

Cabbage Wabbage signing off....

Let's Just be Friends *PEACE*

Dearest Stalkers,
Frustration blasting day!
Question: Can a boy ever be close/best friends with a girl?
Answer: No
Can a guy friend visit me at work without being suspected to have a crush on me?
NO.
I feel so pressured. All I want is just to be friends and share the world together.
Showing sincerity to a guy does not mean that I am interested in dating the guy. Does the world understand this? NO. Does the boy know? Sometimes. Do I suspect myself at times? YES. *Grouch*
Has this world been so cruel to people that once a person shows some care and sincerity in their eyes, you can't help but to fall right into love?
Instead of seeing a huge neon sign saying "DATE ME" on his head, why can't it be just "Hi, FRIEND!"
I think this is exactly why wonderful fuzzy friendships can get so awkward.

AHHHHHH!!
CABBAGE WABBAGE

Dark Days Have Finally Arrived

Dearest Stalkers,
It's just the 3rd week and I'm beginning to hear Death knocking on my door.
Almost missed a quiz in music history today. That was close. Thank God for nice Minnesotan professors.
I'm really disappointed in my performance as a student this week.
Here are my disappointments:
1) Have not practiced as much as I should be.
2) Have not been on top of my reading.
3) Missed my first class of the year.
4) Did not fill out my planner.
5) Allowed myself to be distracted by dumb boys.
I have NOT been on top of things at all. Just one week. I can change this.
What a shitty week. Sometimes, I wish college was just all about sex and alcohol.

What is life without a goal? What is growth without hardships and changes?

Have confidence in yourself and your abilities. Believe that you can get anything that you've set your eyes on--accomplish anything that you wish to accomplish. Your life is your choice.

Till the next post,
Cabbage Wabbage

Dearest Stalkers

Looks like you've came to read my blog. Welcome.
I would like to say that there really isn't anything interesting about me. But I would be lying.
Life in itself is very exciting to me. I guess it's true that life can be whatever you choose to make out of it. This summer, I have chosen to live every second of my life as excited as I possibly can.
So here is one example of my many exciting days in Augsburg College.
My day began at 7.30am with a delicious cup of soy mocha from Augsburg's coffee shop.
First class I had was Music History, and then I did a marvelous presentation on Richard Strauss in Voice Repertoire. Practiced for couple hours, then hurried to Vocal Chamber. My group was able to learn a new Cantata by J.S. Bach. Fun stuff!
After class, I ran to Murphy's and grabbed couple cookies for lunch, and then ran to Kennedy Center for Religion 200. We discussed the movie Mississippi Burning vs. the actual history of the Civil Rights movement. Honestly, I've never cared much about the US history. It had nothing to do with the Eastern/my world. But I did learn a lot today. I realized how ridiculous life can be, even in America. Toilets and buses being labeled "black" and "white", the KKK, and all the violence and killing caused by the different skins people were born in--I guess to some, the American life was no better than a Chinese, African, Russian, Indian or any other's life.
Anyway, after Religion, I ran to the Music Building. Practiced for another hour, and then went on my way to choir. Was made fun of by this boy named Dan Volz. He can be really stupid sometimes. But his pointless remarks can be really memorable at times. Like today, he said that we were both similar in someways because I am an Asian and he's an Asian with a cock--cockAsian. I wonder how he's managed to keep himself alive in the past 2 decades?
Once choir was over, my friend, Leah and I drove to Groth Music by MOA to shop for a conducting baton. Had MickeyD's for din din, returned to Augsburg, practiced for another hour, and then attended a roommate meeting.
Now, I am bloggin, and I am hoping that I'll be able to work on my reading assignments after this cause I am close to 100 pages behind in all of my classes.
....yes...my life is very exciting indeed.
...wow...My life is pretty much lame...sorry guys...I lied.

But, I will not give up. I shall blog away until that day when I shall find myself blogging about a REAL exciting day.

Till then, so long and farewell
Cabbage Wabbage