No Worries

The best way to deal with anxiety on stage is not to think of the anxiety.
Find the "inner clown" is what Eloise Ristad suggested in her "A Soprano on Her Head".

There have been so many times when I believed that I can only learn to love through punishments.
The longer I punish myself in the practice rooms, the more I will learn to love my music, my voice.
How much pain will I be able to go through to prove my love for music?

Ironically, this sort of thinking happens in my spiritual life as well. And I am sure I am not alone on this.
I was born to be disobedient and stubborn. When I was younger, I would always break one of God's golden rules and find myself on my knees praying for forgiveness the very next second.
My prayer would go something like this:
"Dear God, I am so so so sorry. I promise that I will never do this again. If I ever do, punish me--lower my grades, make mom smack me, have dad yell at me, or take my friends away! BUT don't leave me too miserable."

It's funny how much humans like to bargain. We think we can buy our gifts, talents, love, and God's favor by slaving our bodies, materials and money away. The more we sacrifice, the more we'll gain.

Why do we need to make ourselves suffer in order to find love, God, or gifts?
Slaving ourselves away will only drive us out of happiness or even sanity.

For some reason, we find ourselves extremely powerful when we begin to think that we are earning their favors. So in the end, it's not about love, God, or gifts. But that's another story for another time.
For now, I must start finding ways"my inner clowns" that could make me laugh in the practice rooms, and life in general.

I must stop finding worries, and start finding happies.

Cabbage Wabbage