Distorted

I feel so grotesque. Like one of Goya's.
I feel so puzzled. Like one of Picasso's.

Isn't it funny that as soon as you try to make something beautiful out of beauty, it becomes ugly.

Cabbage Wabbage

The Cycle.

The cells: -You don't know
-You know

The series:
You don't know
You know what you don't know
You don't know what you know you don't know
You know what you don't know you know you don't know
You don't know what you know you don't know you know you don't know
You know what you don't know you know you don't know you know you don't know
You don't know what you know you don't know you know you don't know you know you don't know.
If this was a diagram, it would look like this:
You Don't Know <---> You Know
..
...
......
...........
.................
.....................
..................
............
.....
...
..

Conclusion:
You will never just know.
You will never just don't know.
There will be a "know" after a "don't know"

Yes, this is my other cycle besides menstruation.


Cabbage Wabbage

Perfervid

...Was woken up at 6.30AM by the warm beam of sunlight breaking through beautiful clouds.
I have the best sky view from my bedroom.
I wish beautiful clouds can last longer. They only last so long till the wind starts kicking in. =(

My question:
How can two different individuals come together and work as one without having to lose one's identity?
Yes, I know that one can stand up for one's values and what matters the most without having to point fingers and prove others wrong. But can human brains truly function that way? Even if this is possible for some mutants out there, what's the use if normal humans aren't conditioned to listen to you.
You hear, but do you listen? Have you tried breathing the air that the other is breathing? Can you?

I've decided!
I'll be the bitch if you don't want to be the asshole.
The truth will reveal itself in time. And that's ok.

Junior's registration day is coming up.
My Spring Semester attempts:
-Choir
-Physics for the Fine Arts
-Music of the 20th Century
-Voice Lessons
-Conducting for Instrumental Music
-Piano Pedagogy
-Junior Recital
-Foundations of Fitness

On top of that:
-Piano Lessons
-Opera Workshop
-20-25 hours of work each week
-20-30 hours of practicing each week

Oooohhh..this is going to be exciting!!

It's one of those weeks.

People are still dying.
People are still killing.
Passer-by's never seem to find a reason to stop walking.
People still hate you.
People still love you.
Trucks are still rumbling down Riverside.
Planes are still flying by.
Incomplete assignments are still sitting on my desk.
The coffee's brewing.

blank. blank. blank.
...I'm still here.

The sun is appearing again.
Is this a new day? Or just a re-cap of everything that's happened yesterday?


...It's getting cold. I need to shop for new coats.

Unconditional Love

Do you love a person expecting them to love you in return?
Can one still define that as love?
No. That is not love. That is selfishness. That is using the other as an object to attain your own satisfaction in life.
Someone once said to me "I love you, but I'm not romantically in love with you."
That is not love. That is lust. Desires. Not my desires, but his.

Laying down His life for His beloved. Now this is love.
Laying down your life and your heart to your beloved ones, not because you are expected to and not because you expect to be loved in return.

You just love. You merely want to give your heart to the other.
That should be your one and only desire.

That to me, is pure love. The love that I wish to attain someday.

"I breathe in a valley, breath out a mountain." -May Swenson

No time

I hate how it gets dark at 5 PM. I need longer quality time with Mr. Sun.
I am currently on the verge to explode.
I keep telling myself over and over again. "Everything will be fine, Evelyn. Life is beautiful. All trouble will end and everything will fall into place"....

I have to:
1) read a book by tomorrow
2) learn 3 new piano pieces by next Saturday
3) write a review on my opera scene by Tuesday
4) call my sis to wish her happy birthday
5) figure out my repertoire for my recital next spring
6) find a pianist for my recital
7) finance my life for the next month
8) read
9) practice
10) write
11) work
12) read
13) practice
14) write
15) work
.....I have a strong feeling that I will never catch up with anything and half ass everything for the next 2 years of my life.

Anyone else feeling the tension pumping through their brain cells?

Ps: I would like to correct my statement on my ideal BF.
My current ideal BF would have to be: Yevgeny Sudbin
*SQUEAK!* Yevgeny, he is so dreamy....the way his fingers dance on the piano keys. The way he awkwardly smiles at his roaring audience. The sound of his piano playing oozes through my ears, trickles down my spines...

I would work my ass off and become a famous musician just to meet this man.
What a man, what a musician...

Being Watched...on Facebook

I hate the feeling of being watched.
I have this tendency of becoming a different person when I am watched. I can easily change into the Evelyn that the society expects.
Lately, I have been having troubles with posting on this blog. The reasoning: well, I've heard that people are actually reading my blog. So, each time I post something new, my sincerity in my words decreases. I become this Evelyn who tries really hard to be witty, smart, deep, or an Evelyn with an extreme attitude. This reminds me of a story...
Once upon a time, I had Facebook. Unconsciously, I slowly became a Facebook addict. Facebook ruled over me.
Facebook addiction symptoms:
It takes half an hour for me to actually fill up the freaking Evelyn is "...." in my profile. Each time I add a new photo album, it takes me at least an hour to choose which pictures I think my 700+ facebook friends would be interested in seeing. And then another half an hour to figure out a funny, provocative, eye-capturing title for that album. Don't even get me started on how long it takes me to fill in my "about me" section.
Why? Why do I care so much about how I want the society to think of me? Why do I need to be witty? Why should I have to think for half an hour each time I fill up the blanks on Facebook?
If it was truly me, it shouldn't be so time consuming, and I wouldn't feel the urge to log on facebook every hour to check on who commented on my pictures, and who wrote on my wall. Why should it matter? And why do I feel ashamed or worried when my church mentors and family members add me as a friend on Facebook?

This makes me wonder. If Facebook "friends" can create such an issue for me, how much more can real life friends and people affect who I am as a part of the society?
Do you do what you do because YOU want to do them? Do you say what you say because that's truly what YOU believe? Do you express what comes to your brain first? or do you express yourself completely different from what your inner instincts first tells you?

It's challenging, I know.
Thank God, I've broken up with Facebook cold turkey. Less distractions, more time for myself.
If you're facing the sort of problem I've faced, you might wanna consider saying goodbye to facebook sometime soon.

Cabbage Wabbage