I have a problem

I can't write the paper.
I'm thinking too hard.

Why has there not been anyone who could figure out the trick to happiness?
I don't believe that no one has figured out how.
I think all the ones that were able to find happiness in life do not just sit around and question endlessly about ways to pursuit their happiness.

I say this because I know.
I question.
Trying my best to understand every single angle of my life to the point where I can no longer see life as a whole.
Not only that, I also begin to notice every imperfection in the different angles.
Life must be lived as a whole.

I'm starting to understand that a lil more now.

Cool...

Cabbage Wabbage

Calculate Happiness

Does....

Endless music+soul mate+money+citizenship+time+intelligence+friends+passion+
friendlier world+great job+hobbies+health+nature+travels+endless seafood+no dead lines+no bad memories+no abuse+house+car+free gasoline+weekly shopping sprees+endless access to booze+no school+no academia+no grades+no qualification+no snack food

equal to

Happiness?

Yea, I know there can be more in the list.
Interesting how the list slowly moved toward "no", instead of naming the things that could make me happy, I began naming things that weren't making me happy.

Sometimes people can be easily caught up with the things that they are unhappy about, and wish that they've never had to deal with them.
So all throughout their lives, their life long goal is to find ways to avoid things that will make them unhappy.
They get so anal about avoiding the thorns of the roses,
that they forget to enjoy the smell of roses.
Life is no longer a pursuit to their happiness.
It becomes the quest to flee from unhappiness.

Cabbage Wabbage

That place.

I'm there again.
Wordless.
In confusion.
In doubt.

See, I'm trying to write a paper on this happiness course.
Trying to understand what matters most to me.
But I can't seem to put my finger on anything.

It's a very vague feeling.
Numb...it's a strong feeling, but you don't know what it is.
Something's bothering you.
But everything around you is all sweet and dandy.
Life is good.

I tell myself over and over.

Or is it?
Feels like I got too caught with the routine of how life goes.
I forgot to stop and smell the roses.

That reminds me. Chris Rice.
I should play his music sometime.

When you forget why you do what you do,
nothing really matters.
What sucks is that feeling
like there's no way out.
You're stuck in doing something that you don't really wanna do.

I know that's not true.
I can always change how things are in my life.
It's my decision.
But that groggy feeling just dreads you down so low sometimes,
you really have no motivation to find a solution.

Anyways,
gotta get that paper done somehow huh?

RIGHT!

Cabbage Wabbage

Happiness?

Desire
Hobby
Passion
Fate
Stoicism
Rationale
Sustained
Fleeting
Epicureans
Indulge in your senses
The greater good
temporary satisfaction
Virtuous
Morals
Religion
God?
Trained
Discipline
Poverty
Humility
Blessed
Pleasure
Pain
Melancholy
Balance
Ying and Yang
Foolishness
To pursuit?
Faith?
Sin?
Original sin?
Innocence
God's favor


More to come...

NOTE: Very Important Moment in My Life

I have just quit a job.
It's a very interesting feeling. I know this means smaller income, but that job was a pain in the butt.
Never again will I try to get a job singing in the choir. My voice does not belong to a choir, and I should know better the next time.

I hate saying no to people.
I always end up considering their side of the story
and forget completely about myself.
I compromise, and I forget.
Then I get confused.
Conflicted.
Stuck in doing something that I'd rather not.

Anyhow,
Good week. Now I just have to get back to studying and be an accomplished college student *HAH!*

Cabbage Wabbage

Happiness Again...

I get really happy when I'm doing something that I am passionate about(mainly music).

Did I choose my passions?
Personally, my answer is No.
And maybe I did at some point when I was a kid, but I really don't recall that moment.
So,
what if a person has that same kinda passion for music,
but has never been and will never be exposed to music until the day he dies.

Will he ever be happy in anything that he does in life?
Granted everyone is passionate about more than one thing in life.
But if music is his main source,
and he was never and will never be introduced to music,
Will he die unsatisfied?
(Not knowing why he is unsatisfied).

Do our lives evolve around our passion naturally?
Like me and music.
I have been given the opportunity to be musically educated since I was 6.
And it just so happens that music is my passion.

Does everyone get this same kind of privilege in life?
Or am I considered lucky/blessed?

Cabbage Wabbage

Happy Sunday!

It's been a grand week...
A few things:
1) After a horrible day singing in the church choir, I've decided that the end of my college life will mark the end of my choral career. I hate being and singing in choirs. I will never fit in. Nothing against choirs, but I am ready to be done. This leads to item...
2) I will never be chorus girl. I have decided that there will be no compromise, my first role in an opera production will be a lead role no matter what.
3) I have so much to work on as an opera singer. I've learned and seen so many new things in my journey as a singer this week. (thank you Giovanni, I will be forever grateful to you)
4) I have to start keeping my eyes out for more kind people and musicians like the ones I've met this week.


It's finally sunny out. I've been waiting for you Monsieur sun!!!

Cabbage Wabbage

Il Trovatore

Thanks to the Fenlasons, I had the opportunity to attend an opera in the Ordway last night.
The orchestra and lead singers did such successful job musically.
But can I just tell you how much the stage production sucked. It was distracting and funny in very inappropriate moments.
And the chorus, good God, just because you have a smaller role in an opera doesn't mean that you have the right to careless about Verdi's composition.

Dissapointing...
It is very disturbing to see what opera productions are turning into.
But I must not expect less out of myself.

Cabbage Wabbage

My God....

How is it that people can end up looking so sulky?
Their cheeks drooping downward,
eyes wrinkling on the sides,
and lips that look like they've been dead since the 80's.

Seriously,
instead of yoga and pilate,
they should start offering smiling classes.

Cabbage Wabbage

I am an Old Fart

I have a confession to make...
I enjoy hanging out with grandmas.
Yea that's right!
I've said it! Watcha gonna do?

Anyways,
so in church today,
I was singing happily away with the choir.
UNTIL...
He (the choir director) started givin me the finger.
Yes, you know the finger that keeps pointing upward,
signaling that my singing was flat.

GOD!!!
I swear if he gives me that finger again...

This is the 3rd Sunday in a row.
It's either the choir director has a problem with me
or my voice does not fit that whole choir scenario.

But there's no way in hell will you ever make me stop my vibrato.

SO yea take that you silly choir director.

....FUH, really had to get that off my chest...

Cabbage Wabbage

Is Life really all about happiness?

Thanks to Honor Seminar,
My mind has been circling around the idea of happiness.
Can happiness ever be obtained?

Is happiness about accepting the true nature of life?
Or is it about striving for something that you're passionate about?
I'm passionate for music,
But if I didn't have to go through this much shit and bumps in life for music,
would I still love it?
Without music, where would I find my motivation to live?
Will I still love music once it becomes a job?

If women are here to give birth and raise the future generations,
would we ever find happiness in becoming working women?
Or would we be happier in the safe decision of becoming house wives?

I know that I would have less stress if I could just let go of my dream of becoming a great opera diva.
I would find myself a fine looking rich man to support me.
Have family, and become a house wife.
I would have the freedom to do what I wish. Go where I want. Have what I want.

But the question is would that be a fulfilling life?
Would that be the life to die for?

I could go on and on....


Cabbage Wabbage

There IS kindness in this world

Everyday,
I will always find one person who is willing to smile warmly and lend a helping hand to me.
Even when I don't deserve it.
May it be a friend, acquaintance or stranger.
They may not be easy to find. But they are there.

This world is not hopeless.
It is not completely evil.
You just have to keep your eyes open.
And be on the look out for yourself and the kind ones out there.

Cabbage Wabbage

Lovely...

But when the melancholy fit shall fall
Sudden from heaven like a weeping cloud,
That fosters the droop-headed flowers all,
And hides the green hill in an April shroud,
Then glut thy sorrow on a morning rose,
Or on the rainbow of the salt sand-wave,
Or on the wealth of globed peonies;
Or if thy mistress some rich anger shows,
Emprison her soft hand, and let her rave,
And feed deep, deep upon her peerless eyes.

Ode on Melancholy by Keats

My love...

Someone wise said this to me a couple weeks ago,
"Oh, but Evelyn, you do have something that you love. You have something that you would passionately serve. Just sing!"

Today, as the choir recessed the church service,
we turned our hymnals to Great is Thy Faithfulness.
I heard Pa and Ma singing right next to me.
I took a deep breath.
And I understood.
Music is everything to me,
and I cannot ask for anything else from God
other than
just music
on earth.
God is faithful.

You may not understand,
You may not agree,
But you don't have to,
because I do.
And you are not me.

Cabbage Wabbage

Assumptions...

They can be wise,
And they may also be clanging symbols.
Sometimes they are just made.
Without any justifications.
Without support.
But definitely with a motive.

The way you see your world is an assumption.
They way you view your friend is also an assumption.
What you think about the people around you.
You may think that I'm depressed--that is also an assumption.
The way you interpret others' writings is an assumption.
What you think college should be about is also an assumption.
You may think that I care, that's an assumption.
You may think that I don't, that's an assumption.
How you think you should live your life is an assumption.
We live by assuming.
We are given the power to do so.
So let's use it a little more wisely, why don't we?

Cabbage Wabbage

My Gift

Your greatest strength is your greatest weakness.
Your greatest weakness is your greatest strength.

In weakness will you find strength.
In strength, is where your weakness beats.

They go hand in hand.
Whether or not you accept it,
this is what you have been given.
You may have your right to choose.
But can you really choose?
Or has it already been decided?

I have decided.
But I've also once decided in a completely different choice.
So if something is not meant to happen,
does your choice really matter?

In the end,
Your choice is whether or not you will accept the fate that has been decided for you.

Cabbage Wabbage

Another One

"That which most vividly stirs the human heart is certainly not the quiet possession of something precious but rather the imperfectly satisfied desire to have it and the continual fear of losing it again."

-Tocqueville

Just an excerpt

"I dine, I play a game of back-gammon, I converse, and am merry with my friends; and when after three or four hours' amusement, I wou'd return to these speculations, they appear so cold and strain'd, and ridiculous, that I cannot find in my heart to enter into them any farther."

A Treatise of Human Nature by Hume

Tangent

That was a long tangent.

I am just worried.
I've been worrying too much these days.
Worried to the point where I've been grinding my teeth in my sleep,
and I've actually spent 20 dollars in Target on a night teeth guard.
I am eager.
Impatient.
And irritated.
I want to know of my future now.

Anyhow,
Hope everyone is having a great week!
Life in Augsburg is getting shorter and shorter by day.

Cabbage Wabbage

I may be opening a can of worms this week...

Everything happens for a reason.
Maybe the trick is not to care too much.
Like the Stoics.
Don't let every single line in the sketch distract you from seeing the sketch as a whole.

What do you love?
What is your purpose?
Why do you exist?

Now these are the true questions.

Do you live struggling to achieve temporary successes and victories--that compliment that you long to hear from your parents, that six digits salary, that house, that car, that position, that game, that friend, that girl, that boy, that dress...
Or do you rather struggle and know that you have lived a fulfilling life and have attained eternal happiness in your life after death?
Why spend your energy and invest our emotions on temporary joys.

I've had enough worries.
Worries that I might not succeed in my temporary goals,
that I might fail...
things might not work out...
The truth is,
Nothing that works out on this planet will last.
People that succeeds in this life--
even philosophers and saints..
They have to leave this place someday.
So why,
Why
Why
do we so desperately seek for the kind of happiness that dies in life.

I am found

In my music.
You spoke.
I haven't been this secure about myself since I don't even though(know) when.
You are my security.
This very morning, you have reigned in my music.
I have found a reason to sing.
Joyfully. Worry-less.
May my restless singing come to an end.
For you have called me.
And for once, I've understood.

Cabbage Wabbage

Conflict and Misery

Everyone has the power to control their reactions to misfortunes.
To be able to control your reactions, you must rationalize. In other words, one must take his time to ponder patiently on his troubles. That is difficult. Emotions are somehow able to react faster than the mind. I don't know if this is true for everybody, but it is for me.
The Stoics believe that in order to find the highest kind of happiness, one must reject all kinds of desire. Cut off the desires in your life, and you will be content--living in a state of happiness.
Emotions are the product of desire. How you want to feel and are currently feeling about a situation--passionate, sad, eager, want, frustration, disappointed, used, angry, embarrassed.
If you are able to recognize the kinds of emotions that you feel, you will be able to take control of them...
To me, true happiness is really not a kind of feeling.
It is to be in a state.
Your ability to see pass everything around you--the good and the bad, and still feel a deep and assuring sense of security and satisfaction about your life. The feeling of "I have done my best", "I've reached for the stars", and "I am grateful for my journey" about life.

...mmm...maybe. I will continue to develop my thoughts on this.

Cabbage Wabbage

Abba,

My body and tongue may not remember You.

But my mind cannot cease to praise You.
It wants to praise you.
For it longs for a purpose.

love,
Your child.

Chopin Nocturne in F Minor

Simple.
A taste of bitter sweet.
Something so melancholy and slow.
Yet it cuts you deep.
A burning passion that drives the melody...
Creepin through your skin.
Pain.
Suspension.
Frustration.
A sigh of relief.
Satisfaction.
And dissatisfaction.

I love it. and I am ready to play.

CB

Exciting Events for This Year

My Senior Recital pieces.
My Honors Keystone class.
My Chamber Music piece by Vaughn Williams.
Voice competitions.
My church choir job.
Vespers. (hopefully solos)
Auditions for Grad School. (must discuss more on this later)
Chopin piano pieces.
Concerto/Aria Competition. (hopefully for both piano and voice)
Saint Sans' Ensemble piece.

Cabbage Wabbage

PROPS! wooottt~~

The one thing that I love about being in this school: The faculty and staff.
I appreciate how they are always so available for students.
You can have lunch and friendly conversations with them outside of class.
They are always so willing to help, to listen, and share their personal experiences.
The best part is they don't treat you like a child-- you are an adult and a professional in their eyes.

Props to Augsburg's faculty and staff!

Cabbage Wabbage

Repertoire

This semester is going to be busy busy busy.
I have to figure out my music for my voice recital, and then pieces to play for piano lessons.
It's exciting but I have a feeling this will be my toughest semester.

For now, I've been working on Bellini and Mahler.
I might have to take a look at Schumann and Faure...

Anyhow, gotta catch up with homework.

Cabbage Wabbage

Sundays

What is it about Sundays that makes you feel like you have all the rights in the world to be lazy?
Kick off your shoes, sit on the couch like a big fat potato and munch on snacks all day long.
Sunday is the day to replenish your strength.
....
Really?
NO. NOT at ALL.
Just as much as you want your Sundays to be the day for rest, reality's banging on your head--screaming "DREAM ON" right into your ears.
Homework loads, grocery, laundry, planning, practicing, music searching. Yes, everything that I would've loved to be done with during the week gets pushed and squeezed right into my Sundays. Rush, rush , rush! Hurry, hurry, hurry! I'm just about to get a heart attack!

Someday, I should wish upon a star for the Sundays that I have been dreaming of ever since my first year of college.
Yes...that would be lovely!

Cabbage Wabbage

Honors Keystone

I'm loving my class.
I know some might think that it's a total bull shit, but it's actually furthering my perceptions in life.

We are reading Happiness (A History) by McMahon.
Lately, I've been reflecting on my past, comparing it to my present.
I am in complete odds with myself. And this book could not have passed my way at a better time.

I'm beginning to see that happiness comes within my choices.
I've always thought that I was cursed for life. I was born in the wrong family, with the wrong set of talents, mentality, and personality.
I'm not good at math.
I'm not exceptionally intelligent and studious.
I disagree with many of my family's religious standards.
Most of the time, I am unhappy with what I have, and what I have been given by God.
I find life confusing, and it ruptures beyond my control.

This Happy book showed me how I'm not alone.
And it suggests different ways for me to confront my "unhappiness".
It drives me to question more about my pursuit of happiness.

What does "happiness" mean?
Is it when you feel complete as a person?
Is it when you've finally achieved your personal goals?
Is it just a temporary "high"?
Can you make it last?
Or do you only crave for more after each happy moments?
Can you ever reach the purest true sense of happiness?

more to come!!

Cabbage Wabbage

Aviand

Ever since school started, we have received endless complaints.
It is interesting how humans are great at requesting to be accommodated, but are not willing to accommodate.
We demand changes without knowing what we exactly want.
Without understanding the long term goal of the change, no change can ever satisfy any customer.

So, what I'm trying to say here is...
You've asked for the change. And you've got the change.
So stop complaining, because the change has already happened,
And it happened because you asked for it.

Alright, that's all.
Enjoy and have a wonderful day.

Cabbage Wabbage

First Day!!

So far so good.
Many shifts and changes.
But I guess it is the first day. Everyone is trying to understand their own pattern and speed.

It's soo good to see old friends.
But I'm not too sure if I wanna meet anymore new people for this year.
There is a HUGE mob of first year students this year.
Which kills the fun of meeting new folks.

Anyhow,
one more class to go.
Piano lesson with Jill Dawe.
I've heard so much about her, but have never been taught by her ever.
I'm excited!

Cabbage Wabbage

New Semester!

Here we go again. A brand new year.
New goals?
Think context. Think with the end in mind.
Think goal.
Think.
Don't just feel.
Allow rationals.
Be in control.
Be efficient.
Be kind to the world.
Let lose of the grip.
And smile.

Life is good.
Life is too damn short.
So make it great.

Cabbage Wabbage